Breaching the divide
by butterflymind
Summary: DS. Experiences that lead to advice


_Disclaimer: Stargate (II) Productions, ShowTime/Viacom, MGM/UA,  
Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions own the creative  
work Stargate Sg-1 and its characters. No copyright infringement intended._

_No money made the story is mine and I always put my toys away._

_Author's note: Ok I started this at 4am after giving myself a black eye in my sleep, just so that sets a tone._

It was a beautiful day. Strong untempered sunlight beat down on the earth, filtered into kaleidoscope patterns by the thick green summer foliage of the trees; 'it was a beautiful day for it' Jack O'Neill mused, and that was what was so wrong. He didn't feel as if he should be standing in a church on a day like this, not out here anyway, dress uniform itching against his neck. 'It should be raining', he thought 'the sun shouldn't shine for funerals'. Around him gathered the other mourners, a menagerie of staff from the base, identifiable from the stiff starched collars of their uniforms. Except Daniel of course, he wore his best black suit and looked suitably sombre. He blended in much better Jack thought, with the rest of the mourners. He couldn't put a name to them, any of them. They were this man's family, this man's life, or at least they had been. Now the two groups had been brought together and the incongruities that had been part of the man's existence shone as clearly as the sunlight on the polished walnut of his coffin. Jack could almost hear the whispers of subtext around him, the divisions of the two halves of this man's life. His world, the military who hovered together on one side knew for the most part far less about the man than those who had come in simple morning suits. Yet they knew more about his death than the others ever would. They blamed menaces who had names only they knew and they vowed vengeance for the loss of this soldier, this part of the team. The morning suits saw the other side though and their thoughts were with the normal things this man would leave behind. It was almost whispered 'this part of his life didn't get him killed.' But in the middle there stood his widow, her eyes still muddied with tears and boys little more than ten or twelve. 'Wife and kids' O'Neill thought, 'a normal family'. It saddened him most when he found this unusual, that he didn't expect this man to have a normal nuclear world outside the secrets of the mountain. He didn't know his wife, he barely knew the man in the ground. But he had died on O'Neill's watch and O'Neill had made sure his body had come back. He wasn't leaving another faceless death to be reported as MIA even if, he thought ruefully, she could never be told what really happened to her husband, the boys could never really know what happened to their Dad. She was not military, and the military called the shots and there was no 'need to know'. He understood the policy, he agreed with the policy. Yet sometimes, he could not even begin to comprehend the policy.

"Amen." That was it, the pomp of the military send off over and the simple grace of the burial finished. The crowd milled uncertainly, unsure quite of the etiquette of leaving. Some came and offered the wife condolences and she in return gave them a watery smile and a weak handshake, her eyes still fixed to the coffin now being covered in mud. He would offer his soon, but although he knew her name, he did not know her and so somehow he felt more fraudulent for his words of support. Turning, he found Daniel and Sam close by and he slowly wandered over. Almost subconsciously their fingers were twined together, a gesture of support that was one of the hallmarks of their relationship. Another change, O'Neill thought, another piece of the misshapen jigsaw that made up his life.

"Hi." He called to them softly; they both smiled and threaded their way towards him, probably as anxious as he was to find familiar port in this storm.

"Hey" Daniel replied, they stared at each other awkwardly, the venue upsetting the usual easy balance of their relationship.

"Are you going to the wake?" Sam asked, her blue eyes lifting to stare into his.

"For a little while." Jack replied, "I don't really want to stick around, this is just making me kinda…"

"Uncomfortable." Daniel finished, then nodded. "We know how you feel."

"Hey" Sam said "we're having a little get together tonight, just to watch a few videos, y'know. Wanna come?"

"No thanks." It was nothing personal, but Jack didn't want to impose, they deserved every spare second they could spend alone. As if picking up on his thoughts Daniel responded.

"Teal'cs coming."

"All right then." Jack smiled slightly, Teal'c meant it wasn't a 'them' thing, it was an 'us' thing. He looked around him, it seemed incongruous to be discussing evening plans here, he thought but in the end it was just a reminder. Life did go on. Sam gently tugged on Daniel's hand and first he, then Jack followed her eyeline. They nodded in silent agreement and the three headed towards the procession now leading past the grieving widow.

By an hour and a half into Titanic, Jack was losing the will to live. It was late, getting on for 1 am and Teal'c had already left, back to the security of the base and the Kelnor'reem. They had already watched the Mummy, thrown popcorn at Daniel when he started muttering about dubious archaeology and historical fact. Then they'd watch the requisite horror film, forgoing the teen-flicks of scream for the old classics, The Fly. Then they'd thrown popcorn at Sam when she started muttering about dubious scientific principles. They'd even managed to pelt Teal'c, though the big Jaffa had merely held up a hand in defence and excepted the punishment for talking during the changing sequence. He was becoming more adept at the human world everyday Jack thought, though he wasn't sure the team were the best examples of how to behave in mature society. Teal'c had left half an hour into Titanic, Jack knew how he felt.

He was sprawled across the sofa at Sam and Daniel's place. Well, Daniel's place officially, but they weren't fooling anyone. His fish were healthy, his kitchen clean, there was nothing living under his sofa and most importantly several cooking utensils were resting in the washing up bowl. Before Sam, Jack hadn't even known Daniel owned cookware. Heck, Daniel hadn't known. Around him lay three or four empty bottles and by his head, Daniel sat in the large easy chair, Sam curled quietly in his lap, her head resting the crook of his shoulder. She was asleep, Jack was sure of it. Feeling his eyes on him Daniel looked up, then down to the woman in his arms. Gently he teased his fingers against her cheek until she opened her eyes and looked up at him sleepily.

"Huh?" She muttered.

"You ok?" Daniel asked her softly, running his thumb across her shoulderblades. The flickering images on the screen caught her attention.

"They all dead yet?" She asked.

"Not yet." Daniel replied.

"Oh well." She returned her head to the crook of his shoulder and closed her eyes again. Freeing one arm, Daniel reached across to turn off the video with the remote.

"You wanna take the couch?" He asked Jack. "It's way too late to be driving back now." Jack thought about it, then about the four bottles of beer he'd consumed.

"Ok." He replied. Daniel nodded then stood up, lifting the sleeping Sam with him. He disappeared into the bedroom for a moment and deposited her gently on the bed, then returned to find a pillow and a blanket for Jack. That done he nodded goodnight, then disappeared himself into the bedroom.

The house was dark and quiet. Jack had to admit it; Daniel had one comfortable couch, certainly better for sleeping on than his own. But he had been woken by something and it took him a second to pinpoint what it was. Someone, no not someone, Sam was having a nightmare. He recognized the twisted words too well from his own restless nights. He thought he heard something like Goa'uld but she mumbled as much as he did, incoherent syllables to match what he would guess would be incoherent images. For a few seconds she continued, then quieted, her voice dropping to first a whimper, then a sigh. A few minutes later Daniel appeared out of the bedroom, padding across to the kitchen and filling a glass of water. The moonlight glinted off Jack's open eyes as he walked back.

"Is she ok?" Jack whispered. Daniel sighed and looked at him.

"Memories again" he responded, her pain reflected by the mirror of his face, he shook his head angrily. "No she's not ok" he sighed softly then looked Jack in the eyes. "But she will be." With that he gave Jack a melancholy half smile and headed back to the bedroom. Jack hoped earnestly he was right. He wondered if that man today had ever dreamed of what he'd seen, ever called out names in his sleep. He wondered what his wife could have made of it, it would have meant nothing to her yet everyone on an SG team had their own scars to bear by now. Did she comfort him even though she could not understand why he cried? Did she try to get him to tell her why he could not face what he had seen? Did she get frustrated by the secrecy that prevented her from comforting her husband? Military and non-military were cruel Jack thought as he drifted into sleep again, but he could not decide which was worst.

He was here again, four in the morning, heading down the corridor to suit up, get his gear and his gun, go make the first earth footsteps on some other new world, he had seen so many, yet they never blurred in his mind. Turning into a doorway, he headed into the lock room. Daniel had already been here, he could tell. By now he was probably snatching a last minute cafeteria coffee, needs reaching over the bounds of taste. He had looked tired, but then Daniel looked perpetually tired. Between his nightmares and Sam's nightmares and the research they shared, it was a miracle either of them ever got any sleep at all, but at least Daniel now seemed more alive when he was awake. Jack pulled the jacket up over his left shoulder, listening to the conversations around him, somewhere over another bank of lockers he could make out a voice. Whoever it was he only recognized the voice as being one of the miscellaneous members of an SG team, the emotion behind it though was all too familiar, this man was post mission, post mission and tired and just wanting to go home. Carefully hoisting his backpack onto his shoulders he listened to the muffled conversation.

"And what the hell am I supposed to tell my wife?" The man asked aloud.

"That I was on a training exercise at three am? And that managed to get a big flesh burn from some kinda new weaponry? Oh she's really gonna buy that, when I said I'd take the kids out tomorrow."

"You'll just have to take the kids out on Sunday," his friend replied, "but don't be too hard on her man, remember you're married to Sally, not the military."

"I guess" The man replied as the door swung open. 'Wrong' O'Neill thought as he strapped the bag across his shoulders, if you had to distinguish you were married to both, he'd learned that. And it was a relationship that proved why bigamy was illegal. Wandering down the corridor he wondered how many of the personnel here had managed to keep a relationship alive. It was an uphill struggle, he knew that. Top secret military couldn't outlaw personal relationships, but they could discourage them without ever having to lift a finger. Inter military relationships were out and out banned, it was just the way it was, you didn't have a relationship with your superior, or your subordinate or even your equal, the unwritten code of the military held strongest there. You were of course allowed a wife and kids and a life outside this place, but O'Neill thought, how many could resist the urge not to tell their families what was happening here? They were protecting their world, but the base human instinct was to protect your family, how could you let them live in such blissful ignorance of such a threat? And how could you breach the divide between their world and yours? Again his thoughts turned to the dead man he had seen yesterday. It was amazing, how that single image had stayed with him. He had seen hundreds of dead bodies, been to more funerals than he could count yet this one, this one had set him thinking for some reason, this and the atmosphere around him were conspiring to fill his brain with the impossibilities of his world. Had that man ever pillow talked? Was he ready to accept the consequences if he had? The wife would be a security risk and security risks were dealt with in one way in the military. Jack shivered as he walked past the guard at the gateroom door, he prayed no one ever had to make that decision at this base. His smile returned though as he reached his own happy campers, well moderately cheerful team anyway.

"Ready for a night in the woods?" he asked cheerfully adding a little spring to his step just to annoy. Sam and Daniel glowered but Teal'c remained impassive 'one day,' Jack thought to himself as he stepped through behind the big Jaffa 'one day I'll make you crack.'

Daniel stared into the flickering flames of the fire. Every now and again he threw another piece of wood on, feeding the flames that were their only source of heat and light in this dismal place. He yawned; it was almost the end of his watch he noticed thankfully, trying to keep his heavy lids from closing. There was a rustle behind him and he turned sharply, breathing out in relief when he saw Jack extract himself wormlike from his tent and come over to join him.

"Keeping me company for my last ten minutes?" Daniel asked wryly. Jack nodded

"Coffee?" he asked almost plaintively, Daniel indicate the almost empty thermos and Jack wrung the last cup from it. For a moment they both stared blankly into the flames, then suddenly Jack spoke.

"So how come you haven't asked her yet?"

"What?" Daniel looked at him, startled.

"Aw come on Daniel, give me a little credit." He smiled into the fire "I've been there too remember, you think I didn't wander around with the box and a cue card for a week beforehand?" Daniel looked at him searchingly for a moment, then sighed.

"I just can't find the right time, y'know and I'm not even sure I'm doing the right thing, I mean really, is it the right thing for us? With everything our lives have become?"

"It's always the right thing if you love someone Daniel." Jack winced inwardly, how unbelievably corny was that? Even Daniel looked at him mildly surprised, as if shocked he could find nothing better.

"Look, what I mean is go for it, if it's meant to happen it'll happen, no matter what the time or place. Just go for it for God's sake."

"Ok." Daniel grinned broadly, the rare smiles that reached his eyes and stayed there. Scrambling to his feet he looked down.

"Thanks Jack, it's your watch I think."

"Go on." Jack waved him away then stared into the flames again.

"Go on Daniel" he muttered more quietly to himself. "Breach the divide."

End.


End file.
